September 10, 2006

September 10, 2006
Since I have been home, there is change that has gone underway since I have walked down the streets, through the rooms of home and even in the lives of loved ones, both family and friends alike. I have not been here for four months, and so much, even drastically, has changed. There are new relationships built up within my family unit, the ties between parent and son, that being my brother, are mending and a new dynamic is taking place. Most dramatically are the lives of the people around me, apparently not only my brother, but also close friends that right away I have seen such a clear and vivid renovation, if you will, of their hearts and relationships with Christ. God has done some big things while I have been away, which fits, as he has also done big things within my life. It is a new season.

Within the idea that I almost did not leave Guatemala, the question of did I do the right thing is a constant in the back of my head. Yes, I know I did the right thing, but its as if I have to convince myself every five minutes as the question lingers as I begin to feel more and more that I do not belong in this society. As I continue to wake up every morning and just sob. It is all I can do to not turn around and go right back. I am homesick for Guatemala. At the airport, I had to use the little energy that I did have, as I was completely emotionally drained from having to forcibly put myself on that plane. I feel wretched, but I had to muster up everything inside me to be able to smile when I saw my parents and friends, to act, at least somewhat, that I was glad to be home. Yes, I was glad to see them, but the idea that I was seeing them just told me that I was not in Guatemala with my newly made family and friends.

I am having such a hard time re-entering and just try to be content with being here. To the point that I could not give you answers as to what I have enjoyed the most about being home or for that matter, even the things that have bothered me about being home. I could give you superficial answers, I am sorry but its truth right now, about how it is so good to see my family and to use modern convenience to do things and get places. While it is good to see people, it only reminds me that I cannot see them. Yet, while many things do bother me, nothing even compares slightly to the fact that what really bothers me is that I am not in Machaquilá, Guatemala. I still feel as if I was not ready to come home, but I am somehow here, none of this makes sense to me. It is like one deep lull of depression, that I cannot fight feeling it and watching it slowly take me over.

Since I have been home, I have encountered a series of different emotions. Many emotions of which wrap around this depression that seems to be taking me over. This journey, as I have said before, has engulfed me with a deep passion for right relationship with both God and humanity. While this is not at all my first time encountering injustice, the elements that I took from what I learned and saw, I compiled differently this time as my experience allowed me to do so. For so long, the injustices of this world broke me down so much, that by hearing them and studying them I had somehow become numb. But living with the people, and the intensity of injustice that I saw and heard about affecting the people that I love allowed me to draw something new this time. I feel like my heart has been ravaged all over again. It is as if I feel the rawness of humanity within the rawness of my newly transformed heart.

So much has taken place throughout my journey, there is still so much that is left unsaid and still so much to process. I am here in the States for the time being, while everything inside me is screaming aching to get home to Guatemala. I continue to feel the pains of ‘home-sickness,’ but I guess that is something that is altogether beautiful. I will allow God to continue to ‘prune’ me for what I am to be in life, and I am not ready to say ‘Guatemala or not,’ but it should be true. Guatemala is all I can think about, it has tainted my view of the world and how I see everything in it. I have been taught about the idea that to know someone is to love them. To know their history and culture, power and struggle is something that is absolutely beautiful. There is such an impression that has been left on my now raw and tender heart, praise God that I can feel again. I have enjoyed, very much, having to write, my thoughts, fears, journeys, struggles and triumphs. I am glad to have recorded my journey and to have left God use this as a tool to help me process. I had wanted nothing more than to live the life that I no longer take for granted, to see, hear, taste and smell the richness and extent of God’s creation and beauty. To seek, search and find a part of His character that He left dwelling within a new people. And that is exactly what I did. It is a new season, I will take and walk with all that God has brought to light and taught me.